> The Darkener's Console

The egg appears extremely fragile.

Van Halen – “Balance” —

I’m currently listening to this for the first time since the mid-90’s (my brother owned this tape along with other Van Halen albums, my gratitude goes out to him for introducing me to then “modern” rock music and not just the oldies that our father’s jukebox played and the cheezy light-pop music of the local radio stations in our area).

I remember so much of this album – the lyrics, the melodies, the bass lines, it’s weird to think about. My memory chooses to remember the subtle nuances of each of these tracks, these songs, 23+ years later.

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The Building (Dream) —

I had a dream this morning about a building.

  • I had to go to the bathroom
  • I had apparently been working I.T. in floors 1-3 of the building for the entirety of my career (20+ years)

I went up to the 4th floor of the building (toward the top). When I got there, there were all “creative” people there. Artists, entrepreneurs, free thinkers, musicians, you name it. The 4th floor of this building represented creative ‘space’. I introduced myself. I remember smiling, and them being very nice in return. I told them that I’d been working I.T. on the bottom 3 floors for the past 15-20 years, and that I was happy to have made it up here. I really liked being there.

I believe that the building represents my mind, my position in life, my being.

I’ve been stuck on floors 1-3 for most of my life (logical thinking). I have always wanted to spend the bulk of my time on the 4th floor (the creative plane). I feel like this dream was a metaphor for what it will be like when I’m able to move from doing mostly I.T. work to mostly creative endeavors.

I’ve had a fortune from a cookie for the past year, at least, in my desk. This morning I taped it to the top of my USB audio interface that sits on my desk. It says, “YOUR DREAMS WILL BECOME REALITY”.

I’m ready.

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“Become a merchant in the gift economy” —

Lauren and Jay - SimplyCycling.org
“Become a merchant in the gift economy”

I am saddened this morning at a news story about a couple who had been cycling across the world who were killed by supposed ISIS members for no real reason other than the reported ‘they were non-believers’.

However, their story is much more than that as I found their blog. Not sure how long it’ll stay up, but it is a very interesting and enlightening read. Lauren and Jay are two people who set out to see the real world and share it with the Internet community. I thank them for this, even if postmortem. Maybe a silver lining is that this story has helped boost their message about humanity. Even if no good deed goes unpunished, that silver lining cannot be erased.

“Become a merchant in the gift economy.”

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Amish —

Maybe the Amish are on the right track after all.

It’s going to continue to get harder and harder for the general population to discern between reality and a fabrication. I feel a recursive trend here. Maybe we really are living in a holographic universe.

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Mudvayne – “Choices” —

A song from a long time ago that couldn’t be more relevant today in the United States (and around the world)..

“Choices” (Mudvayne):

Leaders are guilty of nothing
They’re perfectly insane
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who would be left to blame

Lead into grace
Lead to corruption
Ini-Mini-Miny-Mo
A truth or lie has to be spoken
Ini-Mini-Miny-Mo
King or con has to be chosen
Ini-Mini-Miny-Mo
Way of life complete or broken… broken

Choices
No more… choices
No more… choices
No more… choices

Leaders are guilty of nothing
They’re perfectly insane
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who would be left to blame

Follow truth or stutter through a lie
Ini-Mini-Miny-Mo
Will to push or give up and fall behind
Ini-Mini-Miny-Mo
Live with peace or nurture your tragic life
Ini-Mini-Miny-Mo
Bite the bullet or swallow it whole

Leaders are guilty of nothing
They’re perfectly insane
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who would be left to blame
Point the finger at yourself

There’s no choice
Anymore anyway…

We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore Anyway

There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom
We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore anyway
There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom

Leaders are guilty of nothing
They’re perfectly insane
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who would be left to blame

They’re lost system of destruction
Flush all hope down the drain
But if they’d point the finger at themselves
Who is left to blame
Who is left to blame

We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore anyway
There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom
We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore anyway

There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom
We don’t have a choice
Anymore anyway
We don’t have a voice
Anymore anyway

We don’t have a reason
Anymore anyway
We don’t have control
Anymore anyway
We don’t have opinions
Anymore anyway

There’s no choice in freedom
There’s no voice in freedom

Freedom, buy in
Freedom, sell out
Freedom, betray
Freedom, lay down
Freedom, corrupt
Freedom, opinion
Freedom, give up
Freedom, give in

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Mutual Respect —

With a few exceptions I feel like lately I’ve gotten little respect in return for the respect I give others.

What I mean by this is, I feel like I’ve gone just about as far as I can go to show and hint to certain people in my life that I genuinely care about them and want to have a good, honest and fruitful relationship with them. I’ve always tried to put other people first in my life, and I hope that people do realize this. Otherwise it’s all been for nothing. What sucks is that when I call for a favor, or a presence at a special event in my life (or even just to hang out and be together), or to fulfill a promise they’d made to me, personal or otherwise, they seem to be conveniently absent. Excuses abound, so many ‘sorry’s, ‘maybe next time’s, ‘wish I could’s, etc… like I’m that naive. Maybe they are, to the fact that they’re hurting someone that cares about them that’s gone up and out of their way to do things and be there for them on a consistent basis…fuck.

Not like I’ve never done this to others though, either. Maybe I’m just as much to blame. Maybe it’s karma. Which makes it that much more depressing to me. I’ve got nobody to blame but myself, right? Maybe the times I had simply forgotten about someone who needed me has come back to haunt me. For that I feel horrible. And maybe with that, I have no right to paste my seemingly knifejabs onto this blog. But in all honesty, I feel like I’ve given much more than I’ve gotten. And that sucks. For some, to me it feels like I should simply sever the ties I’ve got. For others, I feel I need to confront them with my feelings, which I am planning on doing. In the meantime, however, I’m sitting and hoping that maybe with my shift in attitude toward them they would be the one to bring it up. I sure as fuck have done that plenty of times. I’m not afraid to bring up sensitive topics, especially when it comes to the relationship I have with them, feelings, etc.. am I the only one that can do this, though? I don’t think so.

Maybe this is all part of “growing up”. I’m starting to become privy to the casual disregards and white-lies of, ‘Oh so sorry I can’t make it, I have to go do XYZ other commitment”. I’m tired of being pushed aside. Maybe they’ve got their own issues, maybe they simply don’t care for putting forth the same amount of effort I put forth for them. Maybe I’m overthinking things and it’s just part of life when you realize ‘people come and go’.

There are a very small handful of people in my life that I can truly depend on. In the age of “social” networking, troves of methods of communication, the core of being human to each other still lies in the respect and time it takes to form and keep a solid relationship going, IMHO.

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Shamus Dead-End —

When I was 5 or so I’d get to this point in the game every once in a while. It’s always stuck in my mind. Back then, “Shamus” was its own universe to me, an entire world in and of itself – and I’d found a “dead end”. It was mystifying to me, like standing at the edge of the world and all existence. Now, it holds nostalgia for that feeling that comes, these days, in different forms.

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Money and Power —

“A US government report last year said the nation should invest more in supercomputing, to keep pace with China on defense projects such as nuclear weapons and hypersonic aircraft, and commercial innovations in aerospace, oil discovery, and pharmaceuticals.”

But nothing about using it to study the global environment or, more specifically, reversing the trend of the rock we all live on drying up and dying. Wonderful.

https://www.wired.com/story/the-us-again-has-worlds-most-powerful-supercomputer/

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Random Reddit user comment on the concept of, “I was born in the wrong generation” (Music) —

“A lot of the time people aren’t really talking about the music itself- they’re talking about the social scene which surrounded the music. You’ll never be able to experience 60s Swinging London, late 70s Hip Hop, 80s Hair Metal LA or 90s Seattle for yourself. You can listen to the music, but that time and space have gone.

I don’t really resent people who say they might have enjoyed a past social scene more. Yeah mostly people would feel the same no matter what era they live in. But I kinda understand those who feel alienated by the way we interact with music now all streams and downloads, sitting in our room clicking buttons to make it happen. Feels so transient.

The kind of mass social movement created by music and defined by fashion seems to be gone now. Everyone listens to everything, labels are seen as corny and people don’t define themselves by music or sub-genre much anymore. We don’t even have to really go anywhere to listen to new music (or even talk about it) since it’s all done online.

It’s a misplaced desire for something real, solid and geographic, which often comes out very silly sounding. It really isn’t much about the music.” –OdaibaBay (original post here)

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Backwater – Meat Puppets —

Yet another song that was stuck in my head when I woke up. I’d never payed attention to the lyrics though I’ve heard this song a million times. Like so many other mornings I don’t recall hearing this song anytime recently. For some reason, thinking that the reason for this is my sub/unconscious mind speaking to my conscious mind is a bit more intimidating than some external source.

“Backwater” – Meat Puppets (Youtube link)

And when I wake up in the morning
To feel the daybreak on my face
There’s a blood that’s flowing through the ceiling
With a knife to open up the sky’s veins

Some things will never change
You just stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain
It may seem rearranged
In the backwater swirling there is something that will never change

And when I should have been done a long time
Laughs and says I’ll find ways
Just when we shelter under paper
The rockets come at us sideways
Some things will never change
You just stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain
It may seem rearranged
In the backwater swirling there is something that will never change

It may imply
Good vibes
Flow from time
Oh loosed on

And when I wake up in the morning
To feel the daybreak on my face
There’s a blood that’s flowing through the ceiling
With a knife to open up the sky’s veins

Some things will never change
You just stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain
It may seem rearranged
In the backwater swirling there is something that will never change
Some things will never change
You just stand there looking backwards half unconscious from the pain
It may seem rearranged
In the backwater swirling there is something that will never change

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Fluoride Controversy —

So I was reading this article on Slashdot about a reporter visiting a Flat-Earther Convention and they mentioned receiving a gift of non-Fluoride toothpaste (and began talking about the “conspiracy theory” behind it). This was my comment, which I think accurately sums up my thoughts on Fluoride:

“So I’m not a “Flat-Earther” or whatever you call them (simple argument is, explain how the math behind satellite communications work if Earth is not spherical).. but I do believe Fluoride shouldn’t be ingested. Everything I’ve read on the subject points toward Fluoride being beneficial as a topical agent only (i.e. when applied directly to teeth). Ingesting it (for instance via public drinking water supply) causes harm as it passes the blood-brain barrier and collects in the Pineal Gland [wikipedia.org], calcifying and causing issues related to the early onset of puberty and other hormonal/chemical imbalances throughout life which inhibit normal, healthy function. I’d welcome any constructive countering of my stance. My simple conclusion is, if Fluoride is classified as a neurotoxin and, as such, you’re not supposed to swallow Fluoride toothpaste or varnish, it’s probably better not to swallow it from drinking water either.”

Aside from that, someone had commented with something that made me lol regarding the Flat Earth theory: “”If the Earth were really flat, cats would have pushed everything off of the edge.”

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Just discovered libre.fm and Jamendo music sites —

Just discovered libre.fm and Jamendo. All I can say is that I feel very satisfied to have found couple of decent, curated collections of Creative Commons licensed music. I’ve been listening to Jamendo’s Rock radio for a few hours now and it’s all really good.

I think I’ve found a couple of new members of my little tribe.

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Dream —

I had a dream last night about my grandmother (my mom’s mom). She was about the age she was when I was very little, very chipper and happy, very aware and conscious. I don’t recall what we talked about but I feel it was mostly small talk. I wasn’t aware in the dream that she had died IRL; I wasn’t incredibly lucid. I just remember being happy to see her and thinking, ‘Wow, she must have had some coffee or something because she’s very aware, talkative and happy!’ =}

When I woke up, I had the Boys II Men song stuck in my head, “It’s so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday”. I’m pretty sure I had not heard it in waking life recently.

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DubFX – “Made” —

This is what true artists do to make it.

LYRICS:

I’ve got my eyes open wide to the ceiling
I’m lying on my back in the center of a room
I’ve got a voice giving me a funny feeling

Its telling me the world’s going to end real soon
I’ve got to get a job otherwise I’m unappealing
Do my little dance for the man and consume
So I let my energy build for the healing
So I can reign down with my super sonic boom
I’m held down by a fog on my way to the top
All clouded and the pressure won’t rise
I’m on a mission to the sky with the stars in my eyes
Yet the weather won’t compromise
Like a ball on a chain that is strapped to my brain
I’m a prisoner inside of my dreams
So I will appreciate the future of a day
Where the clouds open up and scream
And I sing now

I ain’t gonna spend my time wandering why I never made it
I’ve already made it
I ain’t gonna spend my days thinking about why I never made it

Like the pages of a novel at the bottom of a shelf
I grow stiff yet I keep my pride
Like the one raindrop in the center of a rose
I’m in heaven with a world outside
Like another metaphor to describe my vibe
I’m just a vessel for my conscious needs
So I will appreciate the future of a day
Where the clouds open up and scream
And I sing now

I ain’t gonna spend my time…

It’s times like this I need to lose my inhibitions
Raise my fist and forget about decisions
Help assist in the party that I’m giving
Take on the vibe and soon you will be singing
That it’s times like this ya need to lose your inhibitions
Just raise your fist and forget about decisions
I’ll help assist in that party that we’re giving
Take on the vibe and soon ya will be singing
I ain’t gonna spend my time wandering why, I never made it
I’ve already made it.

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Eulogy —

Ben Kenney is a madman. What an awesome song, what an awesome musician.

LYRICS:

If I die from
Something so much less than smart
Know you’ve always held my heart
Even if we’re torn apart
If I leave you
Underdone and under whelmed
Just remember how it felt
Try to think of how it felt

I want my eulogy to say
He was the kind of friend that no one could replace (could replace)
And I want my family to know,
That I love them more than words will ever show (ever show)

If I miss my
Chance to make things right with you
Know how much I want it too
Know how much I need it too
Maybe someday
We’ll look back at this and laugh
Maybe this is all we have (x2)

I want my eulogy to say
He was the kind of friend that no one could replace (could replace)
And I want my family to know,
That I love them more than words will ever show (ever show)

I want my eulogy to say

If I die from
Something so much less than smart
Know you’ve always held my heart
Even if we’re torn apart

I want my eulogy to say (x4)
And I want my family to know,
That I love them more than words will ever show

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Toes —

Standing on your toes for a picture
You know the recipe

Wash through the masses
With hidden corpses
With your own forces
With smiles and lies
Comprimise

Majority
Kill me

The stage is so relentless
Watered down and bent, this
The state is so relentless
Bend, this

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