I was rooting around my old BBS installation tonight and, while looking through the file bases found a document. A digital artifact, if you will.

Before they were popularized as “Emoticons” by hundreds of AOL junkies, and eventually replaced with emojis, way back in the beginning….they were “Smilies”.

This document, “The Unofficial Smilie Face Glossary”, is the original reference manual for turning emotions into parentheses and colons and asterisks.

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The Unofficial Smilie Face Glossary
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:-) Your basic Smilie. This Smilie is used to indicate a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can’t hear vocal inflection over a modem.
;-) Winky Smilie. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a “don’t hit me for what I just said” Smilie.
:-( Frowning Smilie. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent Smilie. Better than a frowning Smilie but not quite as
good as a happy Smilie.
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.

Those are the basic types. Here are a few of the less common variations:
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%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight.
(-: User is left handed.
:*) User is drunk.
[:] User is a robot.
8-) User is wearing sunglasses.
8:-) Sunglasses on head.
::-) User wears normal glasses.
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses.
8:-) User is a Little Girl.
:-)-8 User is a Big Girl.
:-{) User has a mustache.
{:-) User wears a toupee.
}:-( Toupee in an updraft.
:-[ User is a vampire.
:-E Bucktoothed vampire.
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing.
:-7 User just made a wry statement.
:-* User just ate something sour.
:-)~ User drools.
:-~) User has a cold.
:’-( User is crying.
:’-) User is so happy, s/he is crying.
:-@ User is screaming.
:-# User wears braces.
:^) User has a broken nose.
:v) User has a broken nose, but it’s the other way.
:<) User is from an Ivy League School.
:-& User is tongue tied.
=:-) User is a hosehead.
-:-) User is a punk rocker.
-:-( (real punk rockers don’t smile).
:=) User has two noses.
+-:-) User is the Pope.
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning.
,:-) Same thing…other side.
|-I User is asleep.
|-O User is yawning/snoring.
:-Q User is a smoker.
:-? User is selling a C-64 (cheap).
O-) User is a scuba diver.
O :-) User is an angel.
:-P Nyahhhh!.
:-S User just made an incoherent statement.
:-D User is laughing (at you!).
:-X Users lips are sealed.
:-C User is really bummed.
<|-) User is Chinese.
<|-( User is Chinese and doesn’t like these kind of jokes.
:-/ User is skeptical.
C=:-) User is a chef.
@= User is pro-nuclear war.
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It’s Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet Smilie.
3:[ Mean Pet Smilie.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator.
:-9 User is licking his/her lips.
%-6 User is braindead.
[:-) User is wearing a walkman.
(:-) User is bald.
;*{)) Mega-Smilie… A drunk, devilish chef, with a toupee in an up-
draft, with a mustache and a double chin.
Note: many of these can be typed without noses to make midget Smilies.
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:) Midget Smilie.
:] Gleep…a friendly midget Smilie who will gladly be your friend.
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An alternate set of smilies has been suggested in order to raise the
efficiency of communications on Usenet:

:-) -: Smilie with an erection.
:-) 8 – Female.
:-| 8( )- Pregnant Female.
:-( :- Impotent (Or let down).
:-) -8 Blue balls.
;-) o===8 Braggart.
:-\ 8o After a cold shower.
;-) ===8 Circumcised.
8-O –* Just before doubling over with pain.
:-) -^-: In need of some corrective surgery.
:-) :-… Taking a leak.
:-} -oo-: Taking matters into hand.
:-{ -__-: After slamming the toilet seat.
:-o ^^^^: After zipping up fly too fast.

Now that we’ve seen them, let’s learn how to use them:

>> Newsgroup: alt.singles
>>
>> Hi. I’m new to this group. I’m a very well endowed guy ;-) o===8
>> and am looking for a girl with large hooters :-) 8 –
>> to have wild, uninhibited sex with. :-0==8
>
> Look, mister, you obviously are just some desparate geek :-) -8
> trying to relieve yourself over the Usenet. I’d hate to :-O -oo-:
> think of what would happen if someone walked in on you. :-{ ^^^^:
> In fact, you’re probably just mastering the simplest tasks
> of managing your “manhood”. :-) :-…. –> :-{ -__-:

Eventually, of course, we could communicate entirely with these smilies,
and eliminate the bulky overhead of words, such as the following:

>>> Newsgroup: alt.single
>>> :-) o===8 + :-) 8 – ? (Proposition)
>> :-o -8 –> :-o -oo-: ! (Alternative suggestion)
> :-o –* (Ooh. That hurt)

And, of course, Flames:

:-( : – (You call those breasts? I’ve seen bigger lumps in oatmeal!)
:-0===8 (Oh yeah? I bet that you…)
:-( :- (Not with you I don’t!)

I hope that these smilies will lead to more open communications between
people on the Net. :-) –:

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(Download “The Unofficial Smilie Face Glossary“)

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